May 27, 2013

Past the Point of Pain

As suspected, my world has been turned on its head.  I think I'm doing ok so far with the adjustment, but it's going to take some getting used to.

I've spent my first week of "unemployment" - and by that I mean only 3 part time jobs and the cabaret to occupy my time, working my ass off.  That wasn't really what I expected.  And actually, that isn't TOTALLY true, I did take a small amount of time to myself on Friday to do some retail therapy.  But for the most part, my days and hours have been full, with the biggest difference being that I'm actually enjoying almost everything that filling them. Breakthrough!

A few people have commented this week that I seem happier and lighter.  And I guess that's the case.  I do feel like a large weight has been lifted.  While on the other hand, a bigger one has dropped.

It's been a while since I've posted, and that can tend to happen when I don't feel like I have a lot of good things to say.  I've been "going through it" as they say and struggling, HARD, with my still-recent break-up, and not really the break-up itself, but more the fact that he has moved on already to another woman.  And that breaks my heart.

I know a few things of myself:

1. I like to feel needed.
2. I have big issues around feeling as though I've been replaced.
3. Both of the above items lead me to constantly push to be "The Best" in everything I do in the hopes that someone will love me and need me so much because I'm so awesome that they would never dream about leaving me and moving on to someone else.  And apparently this time I wasn't awesome enough. Like the time before that, and the time before that, and the...yeah, you get the picture.

I didn't say it wasn't fucked up.  It is. But it makes sense to me and it's the thing I'm having the worst time of right now.  Nothing makes you feel "not the best" more than breaking up with someone and then having that someone move on to someone new in record time.  Even though the breakup was mutual and the right thing to do, I feel all kinds of wrong about it. Like there's something terribly wrong with me.  Notice that I'm not talking about anything being "wrong" with him? Even though there was plenty that wasn't right between the two of us, this is about me and my issues, and right now all of those make him, for some odd reason, look like a Saint.  He's NOT a Saint.  In fact, it will probably only be a matter of time, if it hasn't already happened, that the new girlfriend finds out some of those un-Saintly things as well.  But it doesn't help me to think about that.  Nothing seems to help right now.  Except the all too wise "Time." I hate Time. I don't want this to take Time. Another thing I know of myself?  I'm impatient.  I like instant gratification. I have ZERO use for Time and all the things it might teach me in my life.

It wasn't until I was on mile 16 of Bike The Drive yesterday that it really started to make sense.  A phrase popped into my head: "You have to push past the point of pain to get to the next level."  At that point, the pain was purely physical.  It was my first LONG bike ride of the training season, and actually, my first ever, being that my Tri bike is brand spanking new and I've put in less than 6 hours on it combined up to yesterday.  My quads were ANGRY with me.  My ass was SCREAMING for me to stop.  I had already done the south loop, 7 miles down to The Museum of Science and Industry, and 7 miles back to Jackson, and now I was on the north loop headed towards Bryn Mawr and thinking about every 10 pedal revolutions that I'd maybe turn around at the next rest stop.

And that's when I decided that I wasn't going to stop.  I was going to do all 30 miles of the Drive if it killed me.  And in that moment I got a little misty-eyed.  Time, you bastard, you taught me a damn lesson.  Sometimes you have to push past the point of physical pain, mental pain, emotional pain to learn something about yourself that jumping into a new relationship will NOT fix, no matter how good it might feel.  Denying that sense of instant gratification makes me a better person.  A stronger person.

I'm an endurance athlete.  I can say that now with pure confidence.  I know all too well the feeling of wanting to quit, of wanting to throw in the towel, to sit down and relax and to take the easy way out.  But I also know the feeling of digging deep to a place I had no idea even existed within me a few years ago.  To push past that point of pain and to learn immense and important things about my stamina and ability and drive in the process.  To feel REALLY proud of who I am and what I have become in the face of incredible challenges.

It's like that with relationships too.  Right now, this is incredibly painful.  I feel unimportant, and unneeded, and unloved.  Some parts of me even feel worthless because if I was worth as much to him as he said I was, then why was I so easy to replace? His actions have flown in the face of all the loving words he ever spoke to me while we were a "We" and I am plagued by the thoughts of how it was when we first got together and how that must be again for him now.  And all of that hurts, so much.

But I am in a time of great flux and great challenges in my life.  This is just another one.  I don't know and I can't see who I will be on the other side of this.  But if history and time have proven anything, it's that I can be confident that I will be better than ok.  And for now, that has to be enough to live on.  Pedal hard up the hill, because on the other side, you get to coast with the wind in your face and enjoy the exerted effort.

For now, I will just have to learn how to like Time and how to make the most of it because eventually I know it will be my friend again.  I'm pushing past the pain and digging deep, and keeping an open mind for what I might find while I'm down here.

1 comment:

  1. Who says the new girl is "better"? Who says you've been replaced? Just because there's a new thing on his arm, doesn't mean she's a step up and that he's happy. Usually rebounds like that are some random woman that gives him the time of day.

    I know this post of yours is from some time ago (I just re-discovered your new blog), so I hope you're feeling better about everything now.