May 27, 2013

Past the Point of Pain

As suspected, my world has been turned on its head.  I think I'm doing ok so far with the adjustment, but it's going to take some getting used to.

I've spent my first week of "unemployment" - and by that I mean only 3 part time jobs and the cabaret to occupy my time, working my ass off.  That wasn't really what I expected.  And actually, that isn't TOTALLY true, I did take a small amount of time to myself on Friday to do some retail therapy.  But for the most part, my days and hours have been full, with the biggest difference being that I'm actually enjoying almost everything that filling them. Breakthrough!

A few people have commented this week that I seem happier and lighter.  And I guess that's the case.  I do feel like a large weight has been lifted.  While on the other hand, a bigger one has dropped.

It's been a while since I've posted, and that can tend to happen when I don't feel like I have a lot of good things to say.  I've been "going through it" as they say and struggling, HARD, with my still-recent break-up, and not really the break-up itself, but more the fact that he has moved on already to another woman.  And that breaks my heart.

I know a few things of myself:

1. I like to feel needed.
2. I have big issues around feeling as though I've been replaced.
3. Both of the above items lead me to constantly push to be "The Best" in everything I do in the hopes that someone will love me and need me so much because I'm so awesome that they would never dream about leaving me and moving on to someone else.  And apparently this time I wasn't awesome enough. Like the time before that, and the time before that, and the...yeah, you get the picture.

I didn't say it wasn't fucked up.  It is. But it makes sense to me and it's the thing I'm having the worst time of right now.  Nothing makes you feel "not the best" more than breaking up with someone and then having that someone move on to someone new in record time.  Even though the breakup was mutual and the right thing to do, I feel all kinds of wrong about it. Like there's something terribly wrong with me.  Notice that I'm not talking about anything being "wrong" with him? Even though there was plenty that wasn't right between the two of us, this is about me and my issues, and right now all of those make him, for some odd reason, look like a Saint.  He's NOT a Saint.  In fact, it will probably only be a matter of time, if it hasn't already happened, that the new girlfriend finds out some of those un-Saintly things as well.  But it doesn't help me to think about that.  Nothing seems to help right now.  Except the all too wise "Time." I hate Time. I don't want this to take Time. Another thing I know of myself?  I'm impatient.  I like instant gratification. I have ZERO use for Time and all the things it might teach me in my life.

It wasn't until I was on mile 16 of Bike The Drive yesterday that it really started to make sense.  A phrase popped into my head: "You have to push past the point of pain to get to the next level."  At that point, the pain was purely physical.  It was my first LONG bike ride of the training season, and actually, my first ever, being that my Tri bike is brand spanking new and I've put in less than 6 hours on it combined up to yesterday.  My quads were ANGRY with me.  My ass was SCREAMING for me to stop.  I had already done the south loop, 7 miles down to The Museum of Science and Industry, and 7 miles back to Jackson, and now I was on the north loop headed towards Bryn Mawr and thinking about every 10 pedal revolutions that I'd maybe turn around at the next rest stop.

And that's when I decided that I wasn't going to stop.  I was going to do all 30 miles of the Drive if it killed me.  And in that moment I got a little misty-eyed.  Time, you bastard, you taught me a damn lesson.  Sometimes you have to push past the point of physical pain, mental pain, emotional pain to learn something about yourself that jumping into a new relationship will NOT fix, no matter how good it might feel.  Denying that sense of instant gratification makes me a better person.  A stronger person.

I'm an endurance athlete.  I can say that now with pure confidence.  I know all too well the feeling of wanting to quit, of wanting to throw in the towel, to sit down and relax and to take the easy way out.  But I also know the feeling of digging deep to a place I had no idea even existed within me a few years ago.  To push past that point of pain and to learn immense and important things about my stamina and ability and drive in the process.  To feel REALLY proud of who I am and what I have become in the face of incredible challenges.

It's like that with relationships too.  Right now, this is incredibly painful.  I feel unimportant, and unneeded, and unloved.  Some parts of me even feel worthless because if I was worth as much to him as he said I was, then why was I so easy to replace? His actions have flown in the face of all the loving words he ever spoke to me while we were a "We" and I am plagued by the thoughts of how it was when we first got together and how that must be again for him now.  And all of that hurts, so much.

But I am in a time of great flux and great challenges in my life.  This is just another one.  I don't know and I can't see who I will be on the other side of this.  But if history and time have proven anything, it's that I can be confident that I will be better than ok.  And for now, that has to be enough to live on.  Pedal hard up the hill, because on the other side, you get to coast with the wind in your face and enjoy the exerted effort.

For now, I will just have to learn how to like Time and how to make the most of it because eventually I know it will be my friend again.  I'm pushing past the pain and digging deep, and keeping an open mind for what I might find while I'm down here.

May 14, 2013

So Many Things!...Gone Running...

I spent my allotted blog time this morning getting an extra 15 minutes of sleep and going for a morning run.  So I will just leave you with this instead:

Photo: Morning run face. Dude, it's getting hot out there! Woohoo!
Morning Run Face in 65 degree humidity.  Awww yeah.
Also - 

1.  It's my last week at my full time job so things are nuts.
2.  I got the job at the running store, so you're looking at Fleet Feet's newest employee. Huzzah!
3.  I managed to sustain the 7 pound weight loss from the cleanse, but that was all she wrote, so I'm on to just better eating habits right now in the quest for more poundage down the toilet.
4.  This Chinese company has been bugging me to secure the rights to my company's website name through all the Chinese web domains and it's really bugging me.  Of course they want me to shell out for them to make them money and if I don't, this other company is going to buy them up and start posting stuff on them that has nothing to do with us.  It's China, so part of me doesn't care, but I feel like they're taking something that belongs to me and we don't have the kind of cash right now to buy out all the Chinese domains.  Grrr.

How's that for a sampler package?  Haha.

I find it totally appropriate that the City business class that I'm taking on Friday morning - my last official day of work before turning in my keys - is called "How to Start and Stay in Business."  I think that's kicking things off on exactly the right foot.

Stay tuned folks.  Let's DO this thing!

May 7, 2013

The Verdict

Seven days later and she writes a blog folks.  I know, I know - I suppose since this blog is all about me being busy, I don't get to use that as an excuse, right?  I'm gonna get better at this "Daily Blogging" thing.

In the meantime, I will say a lot has happened this week.  Newsflash.  Duh.

7 days into my whole foods cleanse and I was 7 pounds down!  WOOOHOOO!  That was a happy sight.  Notice I'm using the word "was," in past tense.  For whatever reason I was up by a pound on the scale this morning.  Not-a-happy-face.  I have a couple of theories about why, but I'm going to be disappointed if any of them are true:

1. I've been eating past 9pm at night.  Only the prescribed foods still, but later than I was eating in the first week cause, dammit, I'm busy!  I don't get home until 8:30pm and then still have to squeeze in exercise.  Ugh.  Which also means I've been going to bed later.  It sucks, but I know I lose more weight when I go to bed on time.  No more late night TV.  Put down the remote, Jenn.
2. I've been exercising again.  Hard.  Zumba Saturday morning. 15 miles on the bike on Sunday. Back out running last night (only 2 miles, but my calf is better! Yey!). 45 minutes in the pool tonight.  I'm hungrier, so I'm eating more, but still only the whole foods that I've been eating all week.  Sure, sure, there's a "muscle gain" thing - but I honestly think that my body does something else when I start working that hard. I don't want to say I'm averse to exercise, but I have a remarkable ability to hold on to every ounce of myself and then some whenever I start to sweat.  It's irritating.
3. Turkey breakfast sausages.  I missed my breakfast meats, especially not being able to eat eggs.  So I cracked open a package of Jenny-O.  It's still turkey, but I did note on the package that there are some preservatives in there.  And since this is a detox cleanse, I picture my newly clean innards attacking those preservative and salt invaders and hanging on to them to the death.  They're fighting a wee battle in my belly, and I'm concerned that the salt is winning.  Must drown it in more green tea and water...

This week I'm just going to try to hang on.  I'm low on food at home and, no surprise, I'm booked every night this week, so getting groceries is going to be a sporadic timing adventure.  The only thing I am CRAVING is The Starbucks Breakfast Sandwich, and coffee.  Damn you Breakfast Sandwich.  Why can't I quit you?

I know from this little experiment that I have 2 for-sure nemeses (oooh, the plural of nemesis is nemeses...thank you spell check): soda (and by extension, artificial sweeteners), and wheat.  Week 3 is going to involve more of the same for me but I'm going to add back in milk, yogurt, eggs, and ALL fruits including bananas and oranges.  I don't think those are problem foods for me.  I'm going to try to keep cheese out for another week and coffee for the time being.  My suspicion is that my body will lose easier if I lose the glutens in my diet.  Which really sucks, cause I love me a loaf of bread, and beer.

This week I'm doing the same thing I did last week, but I'm journaling my food and counting my calories to get a good idea of how many calories I'm consuming each day of clean foods while maintaining (hopefully) more loss on the scale.  Once I have that number, I'll keep that as may daily goal once I start adding other things back in.  It's all a numbers game, and the body is not a calculator (as I know only too well) - but since my initial BIG loss, I haven't been able to find that daily limit that allows me to continue to lose and feed me enough to sustain my heavy training schedule.  And this year I want to lose more weight, safely, while training for my big race.  I'm so tired of being in the same place!  I'm just scared that losing another large amount of weight is going to involve forgoing heavy exercise for a few months so that my body can let go of what it needs to without being concerned with holding on to my fat for energy!

In other news, I only have 8 more days on the job, training my replacement until I am FREE.  The next 8 days also involve a film system install to one of our theaters, an HVAC (new heating and air conditioning unit) install in another theater, a repair to a unit in the 3rd space, training the new General Manager for 4 hours a day, city licensing all day tomorrow, and FOUR shows at Blue Man this week.  Someone call me on Monday and see if I'm still alive.

I'm worried about maintaining this momentum when I'm officially done with my full-time job to push that time and energy in to my own company and committing just as many hours to that as I have been when fully employed (well, maybe just a FEW less).  Right now all I want to do is sleep for a month.  And train for the Tri.  I know it's going to take a period of adjustment for sure, but my biggest issue is that I hate that I can't see the future.  Crazy right?  But it's true - if I knew what my life was going to look like in a couple of weeks, I would relax a bit about it I'm sure.  But I don't - no one does - so I'm just going to have to wait it out and go through the transition process as best I can.

The BEST part is that week 2 of my transition is going to happen in Vegas - and there's NOTHING wrong with that.  More on that to come!