April 24, 2013

Sitting Still?

I'm sitting behind the front desk listening to the Zumba tunes and watching all the other people in class sweat it out.  No fair.  The diagnosis on my calf this morning?  Rest.  No running, no Zumba for at least a week.  So sitting behind the desk is all I get to do.  Boo!  I am not a fan.  At least I still have the green light to swim and bike.

What I am a fan of is my massage therapist.  He beats me up, but it's the good kind of pain.  I told him this morning that I think I may have psychosomatically caused this injury because I just really wanted a massage. He laughed at me and then said I might actually be right.  Power of positive thinking right?  Or negative in this case.  My brain is a powerful tool for working in my favour most days.  So I guess the moral of the story is that I should listen to myself more often and do what I want for ME before I cause any more damage.

I stopped seeing Angelo (my massage therapist) right after running the marathon. Because I didn't feel like I "deserved" it anymore without the 10+ hours of heavy training every week.  But perhaps if I indulged more often in a bi-weekly rub down, I would indulge less in things that aren't as healthy for me.  A treat is a treat - and massages are expensive, but they serve a dual purpose - they make me feel like I'm treating myself AND they keep my body in good working order so that I can keep up with my insane schedule.  I'm taking note.  I haven't overeaten today, and I honestly credit the morning massage for the rest of the day's healthier behaviours.

Except perhaps this confession: I applied for another job today.  Yes, you can call me crazy - but I honestly wouldn't try to do EVERYTHING if I got this job.  It's at a running store.  So there is some part of me that feels like if I work in a Zumba studio and a running store while I'm putting my own business together that I won't lose track of my fitness goals along the way.  I mean - I'll HAVE to work out.

But honestly, I think this is just me getting scared that I'm not going to make it.  That I'm going to leave the only piece of security that I have at the end of May and fall flat on my ass in front of everyone.  I'm terrified that I won't have enough money to live.  And that fear is making me a crazy person as far as earning money now is concerned.  I work far too many jobs, I'm far too stressed, I don't have enough time for anyone or anything, but I'm doing it because I feel like I have to.  It's only going to be this pace for the next 4 weeks, but then what?  Sink or swim.  I really, really hope that I have made the right decision here.

An ideal schedule for me would be working 3-4 evenings a week, half days on weekends and then having the majority of my day-time hours to focus on the cabaret and training for the Tri.  Right now my Blue Man schedule is inconsistent, which is the only bad thing about that gig.  But at least I get my schedule a month in advance so I can schedule other part-time jobs around it.  Dance SPA is every Wednesday night and Saturday morning, and tutoring is every Thursday morning.  So really, if I could pick up a consistent Tuesday/Thursday night and occasional weekend gig, that would be ideal.  Man.  Never in my life did I ever think I would be going back to WANTING to work part-time nights and evenings gigs.  I used to hate that.  Actually, I still do hate that, but the way I look at it is that it's a temporary schedule for the greater gain of spending the rest of the time working for myself.  Until I am able to support myself on my own company only and then I can quit everything else!  That will be a happy day indeed.

Side Note - this is the medal design for the Women's Half Marathon this year.  SO PRETTY!  They did a Facebook poll to ask for three words describing why you were running this race, or that described the race to you.  I thought they were going to choose ONE to inscribe on the medallion itself.  Nope - all of those submissions made it onto the material part of it.  Including mine (which was probably a lot of other people's too) right in the center of the pic! Live. Love. Run.  I'm so excited to get one of these babies on June 23rd.

But for the time being, and until my calf says I can run...back to trying to sitting still.

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